Real Housewives of Beverly Hills–Season 2, Episode 1 “Return to Beverly Hills”

Air date: 9/5/11

I’m sure Andy Cohen shit a brick when Russell Armstrong committed suicide just weeks before season 2 of RHOBH premiered. No doubt there are many hours of Taylor’s big lips and forehead vein whining about how unloved she is on the cutting room floor, due to all of the editing that had to quickly take place. Oh shit, I guess since everything is digital now, the term “cutting room floor” is now obsolete.  But “dragged to recycle bin” is far less dramatic.

We’re informed that this day of filming is Aug.29. So Bravo decided to just address the suicide right off, rather than start with a Black Screen of Doom. Somber music plays as Kyle enters Lisa’s house, later followed by Lisa, Ken, Mauricio and Camille. All are dressed in dark clothes since this was all organized for them to be able to reflect on the suicide. Kim shows up, and clearly wanted to hang onto the last few acceptable days of wearing white before Labor Day takes that fashion choice away. Led by Adrienne, they all discuss how they didn’t see this coming, etc. We get a loving shot of Mauricio caressing Kyle’s hand, then the cameraman pans up to Kyle’s face. I’m immediately taken aback by Kyle’s lips. I don’t know if she’s just been using Joey New York Lip Plumper or her new closeness with Taylor has caused her to go running in to get injections, but something is going on with her lips. Is it just me? I only partially listen as they all discuss how the suicide was Russell’s choice, wasn’t Taylor’s fault, their hearts go out to Taylor, blahblahblah. I’m bored already. Bring on Brandi Glanville.

Bravo covers it’s ass. “The events depicted in this series were recorded prior to the death of Russell Armstrong.”

Quick recap of Season 1. Adrienne and Paul bicker. Lisa and Cedric enjoy each others company. Kelsey and Camille split up, due to Kelsey’s affair. Taylor cries about her marriage. Kyle and Camille butt heads. Kim and Kyle fight. What I take away from that is that these are all of the things we are going to revisit this season.

Lisa goes to the beauty salon, where she meets her daughter Pandora and Lisa pressures her about getting married. For whatever reason, there is a camera crew at Lisa’s house while neither she or Ken are home. How very convenient that Pandora’s boyfriend Jason just happens to show up to see Ken. Ken, full-time dog walker, returns. Jason asks for Pandora’s hand in marriage. Ken is delighted. I’m bored. And wondering if the Lisa/Cedric friendship was what got her cast on the show, because I’m realizing her only storylines this season seem to be her daughter’s engagement and how she carts around Giggy. Don’t get mewrong, Lisa was my favorite “character” last season, but I have no interest in what her dog is doing or wearing.

Cut to Kyle’s house, where she and her family pack up their house that’s now been sold. I love how Kyle interviews, “We needed more space.” How precious. That house is probably 5,000 square feet. I don’t mean to sound bitter, but I’m one of four kids and I doubt we ever lived in a house more than 1500 square feet throughout my whole childhood. Mauricio continues to be hot. Portia continues to be adorable. Kyle spots a picture of her mother on the shelf, and interviews about her mom/Kim/emotions. Perfect segue for the editors, so we’re now at Kim’s house, where her daughter answers Kyle’s call. Kim interviews that she’s been ignoring Kyle’s calls and needs more time to heal from their on-camera blow up. Back to Kyle interviewing that their mom would be sad over all of this. Kim, however, interviews that she needs a storyline this season doesn’t want to let it go.  My fascination with Kyle’s lips this episode continues, as she’s wearing a horrible frosted lipstick shade. Kyle, honey, please no. I don’t think I can do screen shots, so forgive me, but here’s the best I could do.

Let’s check in with Camille next. She and her only friend Dedra go to look at a delivery from her Hamptons house. Camille voices over that she needs to “simplify my life.It’s only me and my two kids. I don’t need to maintain 5 acres of land anymore”. Camille, your household reduced in size by one person, who by your own admission wasn’t even living there that last year of your marriage. I’d have much more respect for Camille if she would just be real and admit that Kelsey was the main breadwinner and she can not afford the same lifestyle she did during her marriage. She’ll still be living large, so I’m not feeling sorry for her. Camille and Dedra look through the furniture Kelsey sent. Camille opens a box and discovers her “Hamptons summer shoe collection” and laughs a bit over how Kelsey’s girlfriend packed all of her stuff up. She tells a story about the attorney calling and telling her not to get upset, but the girlfriend moved all of her clothes out of the bedroom. I don’t see why this is so surprising to her, since the way she tells the story, it occured after the actual split. Of course he’s going to move all of your shit out. I’m going to one up Camille here and tell my own little story: After my split with my ex-fiance(who left for another woman, just like Kelsey did, and married her immediately, just like Kelsey did), we went through a long custody battle. During this, we rotated weeks in the house, so that our daughter stayed living in the house at all times, but we came and went; meaning I’d live in the house for one week with my daughter, he’d come in on Friday night and spend the following week living there with my daughter(while I stayed elsewhere). During that time, my ex’s girlfriend got so comfortable that she hung her clothes up in the closet me and my ex still shared. So, I win, Camille. Camille interviews that a friend of her told her “Expect the worst and you won’t be disappointed”. Camille doesn’t get that that quote is meant to inspire you to think positive in your life, rather than focus on the negativity. But if she took it that way, she wouldn’t be able to bitch about Kelsey. Which, by the way, I can’t completely blame her for. I think they should both shut up because their kids will hear and see this all, but at the same time, she was basically humiliated by her husband while being filmed for a reality show that she claims he pushed her to do. It doesn’t escape me that Camille was not happy with her edit last season and is totally looking to redeem herself this time around, so I’m wary of her. But I admit I relate a lot to what she’s going through as far as the embarrassing way her marriage ended.

Adrienne’s house. She interviews that she and her husband Paul enjoy each other’s company but only “in small doses”. Paul and Adrienne meet up with chef Bernie in their awesome kitchen to talk about the menu for a dinner party they are planning. It really annoys me that the ladies always have to pull some bullshit story about why they are going on a trip or having a dinner party. Bravo needs them to interact and they have to create events to make this possible. Why pretend anything less? Chef Bernie hates Lisa because she made a remark about the food at a prior event at Adrienne’s house. Apparently Adrienne got the memo that her and Paul’s shtick is to play the Bickersons, because they are going full out with that already this season. They disagree about the menu and then leave the room, chef Bernie shaking his head in disgust. Adrienne interviews that “Two hours is a long time” with Paul. Yikes.

Kyle meets Taylor to shop for an outfit to wear to Adrienne’s dinner party/screening of Camille’s appearance on Shit My Dad Says. Really, she needs a brand new outfit for this? Taylor rushes in, panicked that she saw Cedric and doesn’t want to talk to him for fear of incurring Lisa’s wrath. She then voices that she’s afraid of  Lisa and finds her intimidating. Lisa interviews that she’s reserved with Taylor, saying “if I’m going to invest in a friend, I want to know that I’m getting the truth.” Basically a polite way of saying she suspects Taylor is a fake ass bitch. Which, well, I’ve always felt is sort of written all over Taylor’s face. It’s the lips! How does she look at herself in the mirror?! Taylor goes on to talk a little bit of shit about Lisa. Kyle reassures her.

We’re back at Paul and Adrienne’s, and it’s the day of the party. Adrienne is annoyed that Paul said he’d help but spent the day golfing. I want to know what she needed help with, though. She’s got a staff to clean and prepare her house, and has a chef there to prepare and serve dinner. What is there left for Adrienne to do but entertain her guests? Adrienne continues to be annoyed with Paul as they get ready, and talks to him like he’s a child. I’m uncomfortable watching, because so far in this ep, she seems so humorless when Paul’s around. I know they said last season that they bicker and that’s just what they do, but with all her talk about only liking him in small doses, I don’t even see how she married him. I’m distracted by Adrienne’s awesome shoe shelving and wedding gown display.

Covet.

Tell me this isn't motherfucking awesome.

We see the staff doing the prep work for dinner, while Paul and Adrienne dress their new puppy Jackpot in a leather jacket. “Eat your heart out, Giggy.”, one says. Really? Really? Oh, Adrienne, I expected better from you. Please don’t set up a blog and Twitter for Jackpot, or I will lose total respect for you. I’m already overlooking the unnecessary plastic surgery and hideous cowgirl outfit from last season.

The ladies start arriving, and they all wear dresses in similar shades and laugh over it. Then Kim arrives in an odd country western type jacket. Kim is so oblivious at times; I actually find it delightful.

Ken and Lisa arrive, Giggy in tow. When Adrienne sees them, she immediately lifts up Jackpot to show them. Ken interviews that “A lot of dogs get jealous of Giggy…get jealous of his clothing and his beautiful face.” Ken. Please. It’s a fucking dog. I really hope Pandora immediately has a few babies after getting married so Ken and Lisa have something else to do.

Paul gets in the only good line in the show when he interviews that he has “seen glimpses of Camille’s other acting work, AKA, The Naked Detective.” They all watch Shit My Dad Says in a theater room. Camille’s acting is as sub-par as I expected, but the girls all laugh hysterically at every line.

They move to the dining room for dinner. Bitchy chef Bernie helps Camille with her chair and tells her “You’re the only one thin enough for this side.” I guess that was a burn on Lisa, but I actually didn’t think it was funny since I actually think Lisa has a fantastic shape. Paul and Adrienne  bicker about opening the champagne and making a toast. Adrienne chastises Paul; “Don’t be rude. You’re being rude.” Which, is completely rude of Adrienne to talk to her husband like that in front of her guests. This goes on long enough to make everyone at the table uncomfortable, leading Lisa to have to tell them to stop. Which Adrienne doesn’t immediately do. This is just the kind of person I am, but I can’t help but wonder what Paul and Adrienne’s sex life is like. One hopes that all the bickering and “I can’t stand Paul” stuff is all some sort of foreplay and behind closed doors, Paul is getting it on the regular. Erm, from Adrienne, I should clarify. Although I doubt this since he seemed surprised that she even touched him in the bathroom while he was getting ready.

Paul asks Taylor “What’s happening with you guys?”, leading her to talk about entering therapy to work on her marriage. Others at the table discuss making marriage work and the benefits of therapy. Ken makes various comments that he absolutely wouldn’t go to therapy, wouldn’t want his wife to either, believes the husband’s role is to make the wife happy and just give in, and doesn’t see why he should pay for a third party to fix his marriage. Finally, he says that he would feel weak. The record scratched in Taylor’s head and she interviews “Did he just call me weak?” No, Taylor, he clearly expressed that HE  would feel weak. Taylor takes this personally, and leaves the table to go off and cry. Kyle follows her and Taylor makes it all about her in the bathroom. Kyle enables her a bit here and then says “At least you avoided drama”. Followed by Kyle returning to the table and causing some drama with Ken when he asks if Taylor may have been offended. I’m starting to feel like Taylor and Kyle are two peas in a pod, because they both thrive on drama. Taylor could have easily said, “We’ll have to agree to disagree, Ken. I’m finding therapy really helpful. You’re lucky your marriage has fared so well.” Ken would have more than likely seen that he’d put his foot in his mouth and apologized if he’d hurt her. Although, I don’t really see anything wrong with what Ken said. They were all expressing their opinions on therapy, his was just a differing one. Kyle really should have said “Yes, I think perhaps she was a bit hurt by your comment; maybe you should take it up with her instead of me though”, rather than snapping at Ken to “Relax!”  Ken tries to clear the air with Taylor when she returns, and she admits his comment bothered her. Ken insists her wouldn’t attack her and Taylor admits she’s fragile right now. See now, that all could have been cleared up a few minutes before that, with no need to run off to the bathroom to cry about it.

Wait, I forgot to mention the scene right before this where we are treated to the site of Giggy drinking out of Ken’s glass at the table. Few things repulse me as much as a dog in the dining room. It doesn’t end there, though. Immediately after Giggy finishes drinking, Ken drinks out of the same fucking glass. I just can’t, you guys. I understand loving your pets, but they are animals!! We don’t share glasses, plates or utensils with them! *dry heave* I’m not going to even touch on why the fuck they need to bring the dog to social events. Perhaps they feel it’s okay since he generally stays out of the way, and is sickly so Adrienne already knows Lisa will be bringing him along since they are neighbors and frequent guests in each other’s homes.

Lisa has had enough of Taylor’s drama-loving ass and says she needs to pick someone up from the airport and they have to leave shortly. I assume it’s a lie since she would more than likely have mentioned to them when they arrived that they had to leave by a certain time.  Nevertheless, they were polite about it and graciously thanked their hosts as they left. Taylor, in an interview, says “As usual, once again, I feel judged.” Oh, Taylor, go fuck yourself. You are far too caught up in what other people think about you and what they might be saying.

Boring start to the season, but the season preview indicates there will be a fair share of finger waving by Kyle and bitch calling by several of them. I look forward to this.

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