Once upon a time, you could sit and watch MTV for hours and actually be entertained. I grew up in the 80s and early 90s, and MTV was actually relevant back then. Trend setting. The VMAs was a show you HAD to watch. Anyone who didn’t have MTV at school was given strange looks. During summer vacation and spring break, it was okay if you didn’t have a life because you could park yourself on the couch and watch Club MTV, House of Style, Liquid Television, Remote Control, Yo! MTV Raps. Or even shit you don’t really want to admit to watching anymore, like Singled Out. I watched that every day. Admit it, you just watched that and felt all melancholy. It’s okay, so did I. Back in the day, you could spend your whole spring break watching MTV’s Spring Break. And back then, people on The Real World were actually interesting, and not especially cute. The roomies weren’t all trying to sleep with each other. What about Sex in the 90s? Um, awesome, that’s what that was. And what the hell ever happened to The Week in Rock? Kurt Loder might be ancient now, but dude knew his shit. And he wasn’t an ass kisser either, which I enjoyed.
As you might guess, this week’s VMAs inspired this post. The VMAs were once The Show to Watch. Remember when Prince had his ass hanging out? Remember the Madonna/Courtney Love awkwardness? Shit, remember when Madonna performed Vogue? And I’m not going to completely hate on the 2000s. There were choice moments, like when Triumph the Insult Comic Dog pissed off Jennifer Lopez, and MTV was terrified that she would never appear on the network again so they cut that part out of the rebroadcast. Good stuff. When did Rose McGowan show up in that see-thru dress? Now, MTV can’t think of any better way to get ratings, so they have Britney Spears open the show with some terrible acting and try to pretend it’s 2001 again. Yeah, last year’s show was fun for a few minutes when Britbot gave that horrendous performance of “Gimme More”, bad weave and all. Paula Abdul’s career never recovered after performing “Vibeology” at an awards show—-the same should have happened to Britney. But no, MTV no longer has anything interesting to offer(proven by all those Date My Mom marathons—people actually enjoy that show?), so they bribe Britney with a few moon men to get her to come and “redeem” herself. She shows up, looks mentally challenged during a skit with Superbad guy(who I’m sick of by now), badly feigns surprise when she accepts her awards(for a video I’ve never even heard of), and this somehow makes it the Comeback of the Year!!!!1 I bet you ten bucks Larry Rudolph whispered into her ear “Don’t say ‘I’m speechless’ again in this speech. You already did it the first two times” right before she headed up to scoop up the Video of the Year award. Yeah, Video of the Year. For that Piece of
Shit Me song. Why can’t we just let Britney continue being the joke she is, and stop giving her chance after chance? Let her run around town with period stained panties and a bad English accent, feeding her kids Cheetos and Sunkist soda. But her music career? Over. Just like MTV is. Want me to start watching again? Air a weekend marathon of the first five seasons of The Real World, or even just RW:Miami. Nothing beats Flora breaking the window as she tries to watch Mike have sex in the bathroom.
The Day a Career Should Have Finally Died:
And look—it’s not that I’m some Britney hater. Her Britney CD is on my computer, and somewhere I’ve got a single of From the Bottom of My Broken Heart. I’ve danced to I’m a Slave for You in the clubs. But some people get their time in the limelight, and then it fades.